If I look beyond this computer screen I will invariably find 100 other things to do that are more pressing than writing.
There are the clothes which need put away, 96 crayons strewn across the floor, the bathroom floor is sticky with something, and if I were responsible I’d be using this time to get a jump on tomorrow’s big work project.
But things have fallen apart really badly here at Everybody’s Boy Headquarters. Our boy, he’s just really not doing very well. Every interaction is a tenuous tip-toe through a minefield. More than once I have had no recourse but to walk away from the destruction, solely for self-preservation, for wanting to stretch that last bit of mental fortitude to the extreme.
Because I fear when it is gone.
Not if it is gone, but when.
Make no mistake that as much as I love my child, as much as I own that my life’s work is his success, as much as I would give every breath for his happiness…
…this still fucking sucks.
Yes, I said fucking. No, I could not come up with a better word.
My energy is low. I’ve been on guard for 6 1/2 years. It’s combat here and the enemy is not my child.
So no, I didn’t pick up the Wubbzys and no, I didn’t go for that walk and no, I didn’t sign up for the PTA.
Instead I played Play Dough for a bit, ate MSG-infused Chinese Takeout, thumbed through a three-week old copy of US Weekly and took a nap.
Now, if you’ll excuse me…it appears we’ve stumbled across a landmine.
Woman down.
Oh, Debby –
My heart aches for you. We’re going through the same maze over here, even though Mason is only 4. Fucking autism. We love our boys, without question or hesitation, but sometimes . . . .
Is there any chance you could get away for a night to recharge? By yourself, in a cheap hotel with a book or a stack of bad magazines or even just some mindless television and a giant bag of Doritos? I had to step away for a night in May, when my mother-in-law was visiting from England & my kid was being a shit & my husband was being an even bigger shit and I was exhausted and needed a TIME OUT. The world didn’t end without me around to pick up after everyone, and I came back feeling a little more hopeful. Of course, now I want another night away about every 15 seconds; but still. It does help, and you need to be a tiny bit selfish and take care of yourself, too.
And if not a hotel, can you do something indulgent? Buy a hunk of Belgian chocolate and enjoy it in the solitude of your car, if you have to. But please try to get a little break from all that’s wearing you down. You deserve some happy too, my friend.
xoxoxoxox