Yesterday on Everybody’s Boy I waxed philosophical about not needing to be any more than I am, shunning resolutions, and appreciating unanswered prayers. Then this morning I made the mistake of reading it.
I should explain. I am not the kind of writer who writes, rewrites, edits (snort), and ponders. I mean, I can be that kind of writer, but here – this is my space – so I do it my way. I write from the heart. I write unabashedly. I post impulsively. I hardly ever read my own words.
Something didn’t sit right last night and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I had fitful dreams. I woke up feeling like I wasn’t sure where I was and what I did last night and searching for clues. Of course, I was here, I was sober…oh so sober…and I wrote.
So I read last night’s blog. “Unanswered prayers, I thought. Isn’t that a Garth Brooks record? This post is not me. Eww, it’s fake diplomat Debby. It’s me pontificating on a lesson that I haven’t even begun to learn, a lesson, that I am not sure even I want to learn.”
I immediately deemed it crap. Not because it’s not right, but because it’s not me. That post should have gone in the drafts folder to die, it still could in fact, but I’m leaving it because that’s the point. I’m human. Sometimes I write total crap. Whoops. The good? news is that only 49 of you read it. (Not cool guys, not cool, we’ll talk about that later.)
Imma fix this right now, though.
See here’s the thing: as a writer, the only thing I can give to you is the truth. The truth as I see it, as I live it. It’s my truth. Your interpretation of it is your truth.
I lied to us yesterday.
I do want to make resolutions. I do want 2013 to kick 2012′s ass. I do want to see my collar bones again. I want to be published (Please!). I want to hold a passport again and use it. I want to stop writing in the passive voice and being to lazy to edit it…
I want to be thin and pretty and successful and interesting. I want to keep a clean house and be appreciated as a professional for my work. I want to be Mommy and I want to be something
beyond, in complement to, other than in addition to Mommy.
I want 2013 to bring me closer to each one of these goals. That’s the truth. Yeah, I want to appreciate what I’ve got and the “unanswered prayers” and “serendipity” and whatever. But I would by lying to leave my post stand as it were. I would be lying to say that I don’t have dreams and hopes and resolutions - because if I am not moving forward, if I am not growing – I am not me.
I am grateful for all that I have and I want more.
I can say that unapologetically.
Bring it, 2013.
I’m gonna dust off that memoir and find those collar bones again.