Once my IQ tested in the 140′s.

Today I forgot the word for freckle and after searching fruitlessly for the word resorted to pointing at one on my arm and saying “you know, like one of this” {sic} to my husband.

Once I was 120lbs.  I had the discipline to eat 700 calories a day – shunning cake, baguette, rice, and potatoes – for the sake of perceived “beauty”.

Today I ate two chocolate frosted doughnuts and a package of cheese and peanut butter crackers for breakfast washed down with a Coke Zero.

Once my house, office, car, life was tidy and organized.

Today I have stacks of papers to be filed.  I find it impossible to remove the “kid pee” smell from the downstairs bathroom.  There is crayon on the walls, pulverized goldfish and a banana peel in the backseat of the car, and while I still maintain my calendar with military precision (because it’s impossible not to when you are a working mom to a child who has therapy 6 days a week), I can’t say that I ever show up anywhere fully prepared or polished.

As always my list of new year’s resolutions includes:

• Run daily.
• Meditate daily.
• Stop eating…everything…
• Be more organized.
• Read more, learn more, be smarter.

You know what, though?  Right this moment, I’m making a conscious decision to ignore every last one of those resolutions this year.  I’m ripping up the 7 copies of the lists that hang throughout my home as reminders of how important it is not to fail.

In favor of simply loving myself just the way that I am.

If you too are stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and perfection seeking, I suggest you watch this simple and powerful message by one of my favorite bloggers.

Happy New Year!

So…with Saturday being 1.1.11 and all – and me being the superstitious overachiever that I am – I will be cleaning the house top to bottom tomorrow, packing luggage, pulling out grapes, wearing red underwear, cooking black-eyed peas, going for a run, and then to yoga – then struggling to keep my eyes open until midnight.

Because you know – 1.1.11 – I mean that’s like the epitome of strategic for us resolutioneers (I created that word, cause I’m clever like that, and I just added it to Urban dictionary, so you can’t steal my 15 minutes – cause I know you were going to try).  Right, anyway, anyone who is obsessed with perfection and “new starts” and “resolutions” and “being a better person” (that’s for you, Gus) like I am would recognize that if you are ever not going to fuck it up – it has to be 1-1-11.

So tomorrow is the symbolic nesting, the cleansing of mind, body, soul, dust bunnies, pictures of old boyfriends, Nutty Bar wrappers, sippy cups, the usual suspects.

Tonight, however, I’m doubled-over in pain due to the bi-monthly (that means every other month, not twice a month, right?  Cause I mean it doesn’t really make sense.  Bi-weekly should me twice a week, but it doesn’t, unless we’ve all been using it wrong.  See, I know you are wondering about this too, but I am going to be the one to Google it for us - our relationship is so one-sided) temper tantrum that my right ovary throws to remind me that it feels neglected and is considering packing up its toys and going home.

So for today – I’m going to enjoy not talking about the “A” word, or anything serious at all.  If you seek anything profound, stop reading right now and go here.

Tonight I’m all about random thoughts.

1. I saw my first IMAX movie in 3D today. It was Tron.  A movie about the interwebs, apparently a sequel to a movie from my childhood (or so I hear), but it was really cool because 1) I didn’t puke from motion sickness, 2) I did not have a panic attack, 3) The Dude was in it – and be assured, he abides, 4) the Dude’s kid was kind of hot in that skin-tight suit…
2. I ate at Olive Garden.  That’s right, Chapel Hill.  I ate at a restaurant chain.  How passe, right?  Maybe.  If by passe you mean prego!
3. I used our paper napkin rings to make a garland necklace for Gus.  I was going to give it to him in this really cheesy impromptu vow renewal I had in mind – but then the alfredo dipping sauce came – and I forgot.
4. My favorite magazine is US Weekly.  There, I said it.  I’m not ashamed.  I like being up to date on pop culture.  It keeps me relevant.  My favorite parts are a tie between “stars they’re just like us” and “25 things you didn’t know about John Mayer”.  (PS:  John Mayer is a egotistic malfeasant with a ill-proportioned head that probably doesn’t bathe regularly.)
5. I secretly wish that 25 things meme on FB would resurrect itself so I could do it again.  Because I’m a fan of shameless self-promotion like that.
6. I got Peter two pet frogs (Rippy and Roppy) last Thursday.  I totally forgot that Gus hates frogs until I brought them home.
7. I don’t understand why Oprah had to take over the only channel I watch.  Does this mean no more “Mystery Diagnosis”?  Because that’s where I get most of my “cocktail talk” from.
8. While channel surfing a few weeks ago I saw Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin on the same television program – I was horrified – but I watched.
9. My favorite thing to do with money is to pay off debt.  It’s a bigger rush than shopping could ever be.
10. My student loans are coming due next month.  How is it possible to owe 37K and not have a bachelor’s degree?
11. Heaven is drinking the water directly from a fresh coconut while walking through the central market in Port Louis.
12. I was hit by a car in Port Louis (as a pedestrian).  Socialized medicine fixed me up quite well – thankyouverymuch!
13. While I didn’t have the intention originally, I am now trying to get to 25 things.  Self-aggrandizing is fun!
14. I’m an only child (which should explain 1-13).
15. I haven’t eaten meat since Peter was born.  Prior to that I only ate seafood for 2 years, except while pregnant when I only ate things that were dead, fried, and came wrapped in paper.  I haven’t eaten dairy or eggs (except cheese…I am human) that were not skillfully hidden in baked goods since 2008.
16. I really did eat everything when I was pregnant with Peter.  By the time I delivered him I was a full 105 lbs above my average weight.  16 weeks of bed-rest sucks.
17. When I was on bed-rest Gus had to take me everywhere in a wheelchair.  I couldn’t walk due to severe preeclampsia.
18. Peter was born a month early, on my birthday.
19. Elmo cake on your 29th birthday is a unique experience.
20. Cake is never a bad experience.
21. I keep chopsticks in my purse at all times.  I prefer to eat everything with them (even cake).  I also always have a pair of flip flops outside my front door – even in the snow.
22. is my lucky number
23. Habla mas espanol que piensa.
24. Et Francais, aussi.
25. You will never get these three (or more, if you are a slow reader) minutes back.  But I hope you laughed a little bit.

It’s okay to be silly.  It’s okay to laugh – regardless of how challenging our lives can be sometimes – in spite of those challenges.

Because without humor, without joy, life is empty and meaningless.

Trust me – we all have something to celebrate.

Something like this, maybe?

“He’s not here.  I mean, I think he’s checked out.  Do you see it?  Is it just me?”

Summer vacation, winter break, spring break, the errant snow day or three day weekend.  Each provide unique challenges.

When Peter’s structured routine disappears he slips away.  I can’t get him to make eye contact.  He doesn’t respond to simple questions.  He scripts incessantly, a script of his own making (which is progress – it not being borrowed and all) but so regimented that if you dare try to interrupt it, and are successful, you’d best have a good reason.

Autism is impervious to daily life.  Structure is not inherent to our existence.  Implementing structure is possible, but life is unpredictable and flexibility is paramount for survival.

Flexibility is a social skill that must be taught to individuals Autism.  These things don’t come pre-programmed.  Regardless of if the skill is “mastered” it’s still not a natural or comfortable response to most individuals on the Autism Spectrum.

Sometimes he melts down.  Sometimes he shuts down.

Don’t make me choose the lesser of the two evils.  They are both horrifying for a mother to witness.

January returns a semblance of normalcy to our schedule and (hopefully) easier times for our boy.

If I’m scarce for the next week or so – it’s only because we’re fighting harder than usual on the home-front.

I would rather do anything that talk about Autism lately.  I’m not sure what prompted this avoidance.  This is a bit inconvenient for someone who writes a blog about Autism.

It’s not that there is nothing to write about.  I could write several posts alone on the scary regression we’ve witnessed in the past week and a half since school let out for winter break.  Suffice to say I cannot actually talk to my son right now – I have to interrupt elaborate dialogue between Kermit and Fozzie Bear and Gonzo – and hope they relay my messages.

I won’t expound because the whole point is that I just don’t feel like talking about it right now.

Instead I will tell you some of the things I have done to avoid talking about Autism these past several weeks.

• Went through my underwear drawer and purged all of my “skinny” lingerie.
• Made a pro-con list regarding the merits of purchasing “Pajama Jeans”.
• Sushi and Golden Girls in bed.
• Watched no less than five hours of “16 and Pregnant” and cried through two pairs of contacts when thatonegirl decided to give her baby to her Uncle and Aunt to raise.
• Exfoliated.
• Spent the better part of the past 7 nights trying to get through “Angry Birds Holidays” Halloween Level 3:9
• Read through 4 back issues of US Weekly.  OMG – is Scarlett Johannson insane?
• Wrote “The Restoration Project” – my 2011 manifesto.
• Drove to the mall on Christmas eve with absolutely no purpose.
• Ran, in shorts, in the snow.
• Searched Amazon.com for hours for the perfect pair of chopsticks.
• Washed the downstairs carpet – twice – in one day.
• Baked, like with an oven, for my neighbors.

Mostly though, I’ve just slept whenever I can.  I find myself constantly exhausted.  I slept through Christmas.  Like all of it.  Including dinner.

I don’t know if it’s the cold or the shorter days or maybe the changes in our routine have been just as upsetting to me as to Peter. It’s like I’m lost in this “in between” period between the holidays and the new year.

I have big plans for 2011.  Some changes I’ve already implemented – but I dare not speak of them lest I jinx myself.  But I guess it’s just this holding pattern we’re in – essentially until Peter goes back to school and his therapies start back up regularly – that’s really got me in a funk.

So it’s not that there isn’t “Autism” to talk about.  It’s just that I don’t have the energy to really delve into it just now.  Every post I write about my son, our journey, takes an incredible amount of emotional fortitude – which clearly I don’t have at the moment.

I figure I don’t need an intervention unless I order a bedazzler from QVC and begin making purses out of old blue jeans for my friends’ birthdays.

If that happens – interrogate me – make me talk.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the blissful avoidance of reality for a bit longer.