(Originally Posted to MySpace 6/9/08)
Nothing profound to say today.
I just looked at my healthy little boy sleeping in his crib, in his beautifully decorated room, in an apartment we can afford because of my husband’s hard work and devotion to our family, with food in our cupboards and gas in our two cars…and I realized…sure, it’s tough right now. It’s harder than it’s ever been for us. But we have so much more than many, many others.In the grand scheme of things – our blessings are enormous!I’m so grateful, there are moments that I get lost in my own despair, and I just need to acknowledge this feeling of gratitude…in all it’s humbleness.
(Originally Posted to MySpace 6/1/08)
So it looks like Peter might be an only child. The discussion has been coming to a head over recent weeks…and today Tavi said that he just didn’t think he could handle another pregnancy/child. I’m pretty sure that the door isn’t totally closed, and that if I felt strongly enough down the road that I wanted another we could revisit the discussion.I guess…the wierd thing is…that I kind of agree with him. I cannot imagine caring for another child AND Peter. I have felt this way long before his autism diagnosis.
It’s not like the road to getting Peter here was easy. I lost my son, Bradley, in 2002 due to a rare genetic disorder when I was six months pregnant. I also had a rather traumatic miscarriage in 2004. And Peter’s pregancy left me with 16 weeks of strict bedrest and severe preeclampsia. The first month of his life is a blur as my health was so touch and go. I have permanent vision damage to this day. Another pregnancy could actually kill me. Yet still, as an only child myself, I’ve always assumed I’d give my child a sibling. I know the worry that comes with being an only child. I am constantly concerned with my mom’s health and wellbeing – and it scares me to think that I am all she has. I’ve had guilt about moving away, taking her grandchild from her, and not being around to help. Will Peter experience the same feelings?I also hate that I missed so much of Peter’s babyhood. The first few months I was so ill and his colic was so bad…I was really miserable. I also took NO time off from work. I was working on my way into the hospital for induction and I was working as soon as I came home from the hospital. For the next nearly two years I threw myself, as always, into my work. My inlaws parented my child and they did a wonderful job. And, quite honestly, I was so insecure in my role as Mommy that when we were home Tavi did the majority of the parenting.I feel like I missed so much. I’d love to have the chance to “do-over” Peter’s infancy and savor it more. So I suppose it all comes down to the fact that I would love to have another BABY, but that doesn’t mean that I necessarily need another child.Still, it’s a loss of sorts. And there is certainly going to be some sort of emotional adjustment to this idea.Until the world rights itself, I’m not considering any decision written in stone, and I’m going to enjoy every minute I’ve been gifted with Peter.
(Originally Posted to MySpace 5/26/08)
My life has come 180 degrees in the past six months. And I’ve expended a great deal of negative energy resisting reality. The reality that my baby boy is not like other boys. That my career is “at the very least” at a standstill for several years. That living on half the income I am accustomed to takes sacrifice… That my days are now full of therapy, dirty laundry and diapers, cooking (err…okay, not so much) and I haven’t fixed my hair or make-up in weeks.But today my little boy looked around the room and for the very first time ever named “Mommy”, “Daddy” “Ama (grandma)” and “Ampa (grandpa)”… If you have never known a child with autism – THAT is a phenomenal feat!
My day was so simple – I ate grilled veggie dogs with my family, took a walk with Tavi and Peter (and actually TALKED), and managed to get my house in some semblence of order (as in DCF probably wouldn’t take Peter away if they saw it). And I feel CONTENT!It’s true that this isn’t the life I imagined for myself. But it is what it is…and maybe this is a wake up call to stop moving so fast and to appreciate what’s truly important in life.
(Originally Posted to MySpace 5/21/08)
“Mommy” – yep, that’s right, my boy said Mommy. THREE times today (so I know it wasn’t a fluke). I honestly can’t say that he’s truly made the connection between “Mommy” and me…and receptively he doesn’t grasp “Where’s Mommy”. But I entered a room and he said the word…and that is AMAZING progress.I have worked countless hours, for pennies on the dollar, fighting legislators, begging the community for funding…pulled off some pretty amazing events…”made the news” like a good little PR girl, and kept the news at bay when it was negative, pulled off successful marketing campaigns and hopefully contributed to the betterment of thousands of children. And while I’ve grieved for that career. Because I felt that the most important thing I could do in life was to advocate for and change the lives of the children of our world…I’ve realized that all of that was simply priming me for my ultimate and most important “job”. Advocating and fighting for my perfect baby boy.So I might never get back to Africa. I might not save the world. But I might help nurture and develop the person who does. And at the very least, I have the distinct opportunity to know and love the most amazing little person. Being the mom of a brilliant, spirited two year old is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I literally fall into bed at night. I savor bubble baths and my meals consist of whatever Peter doesn’t eat (great weight loss plan). I love and appreciate my husband more than I could ever imagine. I firmly believe that the statistic “92% of marriages with children of special needs end in divorce” DOES NOT apply to us. Gus is an amazing husband, but most importantly he is an active and incredible father. So while I have ups and downs and certainly my world has been flipped upside down in the past several months. I see the big picture (the benefit of being and INfP) and I believe that fate has brought us to Chapel Hill because the best of the best for Peter is here. And I cherish my family and friends with all of my heart. Because when all is said and done…relationships are what matter.Quite the lucky girl (er…woman) I am, eh?